This is me

The point of this is to really understand why I’m in the dark, why i spend every minute of everyday looking over my shoulders of the black clouds that cast over me as i live among the people of this planet – The people that see me as invisible, the ones that would never know i were to stand behind them unless my warm breath grazed the skin. The very same people that once made me smile, the ones who would smile back, but now they walk with the rest, ignoring me and my life.

Each storm does not follow by white clouds and fresh blue skies, nor rays of sun beaming to show the defeat of the grey monsters that roar above. – Every storm becomes darker, thicker, wiser and every time it pulls me into this whirling black vortex of misery it’s harder for me to hold on, because of strength and because of power.

My fingers are cold, dry and cannot grasp the air any more. My reflection is blurry, lost somewhere inside of the glass i am trying to break, the glass that separates me and my mind from the existence of what really is – But why can nobody see me? The glass is clear, it’s clean, the only prints are my finger tips as i try to reach out for a hand to match up against mine, a hand to reassure me that i am here, that i am safe.

The next turning i take i see the water, water that hydrates me no matter the temperature. But it’s rising, i can swim and maybe i can swim free? But the storm is back, its not letting me move the waves are harsh and thrashing my face – I try to gasp for air, but each wave does not give me a break to breathe. Gargling the water, the hydrating water but i am not thirsty i don’t want to swallow – I have no choice, i swallow and my arms are weak i float down and i cannot see around or below it is still dark.
I lay at the bottom, my eyes closing i am tired so so tired, nobody knows i am here and nobody will ever realise i am gone. It’s too late to change things, this is who i am and i won’t allow it to be the reason why i am invisible. I am good person.
My eyes close, i let go – I could sleep for a while.

A fish, or something that is supposed to live under water stops me from falling into a deep sleep, one that i might not wake up from. But i cannot breath, i swallowed how am i still at the bottom.
This white fat fish with feathery fins makes his presence known by flicking his back end on my nose. What does it want? I am not food.
I try to sit up from the bottom of the water, my arms heavy and it’s hard to move, almost slow motion. It swims around me in circles and my eyes cannot keep up, its annoying. My patience is small but it’s too quick for me to catch. It swims away, up and up and up until it is gone. A fish noticed me, am i a fish too?
I look up my eyes adjusting, its still dark but i can make out where i crashed down from – A small light flickering, almost bobbing up and down. This could finally be the sunshine after the storm.

The fish comes back, antagonizing little shit, it seems to be directing me to the top. I shake my head, bubbles surround me. Is this what it is like under water, could i be a mermaid.
My body begins to shake, it is not me but the ground rumbling it’s fierce and the water is disturbed, the fish looks frightened. He swims around me frantically and as the ground rumbles more it swims off up to the  top – The storm is back, its here to take me, forever.

I use what energy i have to move and try to swim, which is something i have never been good at. I breast stroke with all my might, each movement becoming harder. It’s pulling me down – But the light is so close.
The fish appears to swim in front of me, out of nowhere its back. It’s guiding me and my eyes focus on his feathery fins and tail, majestic almost angel like. I can see black shadows moving within the light, please storm do not make it dark. You cannot take everything from me, you cannot drown me – You have everything else but i want to be here i want to fight for my worth.

Something dark enters the water and the ground rumbles harder, i turn to look down and an explosion of water races up towards my body – Bubbles so big it would swallow you hole. The fish swims towards the explosion with might and courage, a tiny soul trying to make a difference in this dark world.
I try to swim for him but it’s too late, he has gone, it has consumed him. What’s left for me to do is to reach up to the light, swim, go – GO!

All is dark – All is black – All is gone. 

I wake up, a bed so white and lights so bright. Machines beeping and wires attached to my body. My eyes open fully, i see people so many people – A man, with white hair and all white clothing.

The fish, he saved me… I am not invisible.

 

 

 

Written by Rebecca Pursell 

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